Why I'm spiraling and other totally ridiculous anxiety triggers
From the series, "If you call me without texting first it means everyone is dead"
This post is part of the series If You Call Me Without Texting First, It Means Everyone Is Dead—a window into the mind of your most catastrophically anxious friend.
You may, at some point, observe your anxious friend/partner/colleague staring into space.
You may notice them struggling to fall asleep, looking tense at dinner, or failing to respond appropriately when someone says “Happy Friday!” in a meeting.
You may wonder:
What are they thinking about?
Is it something serious? Their kids? Mortality? Climate change?
Possibly. But more likely, it’s this:
That One Thing I Said in a Meeting Three Years Ago That Wasn’t That Embarrassing but Keeps Me Up at Night
You probably don’t remember it.
I definitely do.
It was a meeting like any other. Someone made a joke. I tried to add onto it.
I don’t remember the joke. I do remember the room being…silent. Maybe for half a second. Maybe for a whole minute (it was half a second, for sure, but I’ll never admit that.)
Someone coughed. Then we moved on. But I never did.
For you, it was a fleeting moment. For me, it was a soul tattoo. A core memory forged in the flames of awkwardness. The moment my brain whispered, “You are fundamentally not okay,” and I replied, “Yes, understood, adding this to the file.”
You might think I’m exaggerating. You’d be wrong.
Let’s Visualize That
It may be helpful to provide some diagrams for our visual learners.
If you’re wondering whether the intensity of my distraction is proportionate to the incident, you’re right—it most definitely is not.
Let’s take a look:
Figure 1: How Big a Deal It Was vs. How Big a Deal I Made It in My Brain
So, should you try to reassure me—or another Certified Neurotic™—that it wasn’t actually a big deal?
That’s right.
Don’t you f*cking dare.
In fact, your reassurance will almost certainly make things worse. Why? Let’s go to the data.
Figure 2: Linear regression model of reassurance (X-axis) vs. anxiety (Y-axis)
Because now I don’t just feel weird about what I said—I feel weird about how weird I feel.
Congratulations: we’ve entered Meta Anxiety, where I spiral about the spiral itself.
You didn’t ask to be part of this. I know that. But you are. We all are. Welcome.
More to come.
In the meantime, visit my website, my instagram, and check out my books for more.
Questions? Comments? Constructive feedback? Please feel free to drop them below.
(Ha! Just kidding. Only overly kind, ego-soothing responses please and thank you.)